i need an iv and a liver transplant
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
