you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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