In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
