This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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