So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
