I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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