Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
