11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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