i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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