im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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