I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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