my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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