textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
