I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
