Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
