Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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