I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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