Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize