I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I cut my penus on the lid.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
