I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
