i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
