the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
