I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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