I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
