someone threw a dead crab at me
it was like eating out sand paper
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
