i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
