I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
