mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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