My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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