So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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