Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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