if i can run in heels then i can drive
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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