I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im six kinds of drunk right now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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