just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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