You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
