woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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