Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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