He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
