Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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