Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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