and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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