Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
