I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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