Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
then he tried to convert me to islam
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
