I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
