just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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