Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
