yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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