she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
