gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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