Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
