My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
