I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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