From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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