If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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