I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
